It's difficult to describe the last couple of days. I seem to either be perfectly fine, or completely losing the plot.
On Friday evening I had a meltdown when everyone was out. Dinner in front of me...by the second mouthful of veggies I was sobbing. Real pained, angry sobs. Complete breakdown. Why am I admitting this? Because I think the more open I am about all of this, the quicker I will be able to deal with it.
I think the meds I'm on are having some weird side effects. My leg feels twitchy. The first couple of days post-op, every time my leg twitched I imagined the stitches coming undone and my cast turning red as everything came undone. I picture Frankenstein-style stitches running all the way up my calf...trying my first full WOD and my ankles snapping in half... I need to see what they've done to my leg.
I get paranoid too. I have the most amazing family, friends and boyfriend, but my mind gets all twisted and I start imagining my friends leaving me behind to rot, my boyfriend getting sick and tired of his one-legged girlfriend and leaving her....crazy crazy thoughts... And it's not through a lack of trust but sheer paranoia... My dreams are the stuff of Dali and Freud would have a field day on them...
Saturday morning a friend came to visit and told me about his recent Ironman in New Zealand which kept me amused for an hour or so. He also told me to look up the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, which I have come across before but didn't realise it could be applied to the psychology of injury. The day passed with CF Games 2009 downloads, a crap movie and some reading. By evening I had cravings for chicken rice chicken which the amazing boyfriend who I shall refer to as P from now on turned up with, alongside my favourite ice cream..
Yesterday was good. Lunch and the cinema with a girlfriend - daylight! Sunshine! People! I was exhausted after all that and retreated to home, bed, elevation, Murakami. Pretty much in that order. P came with homemade soup, chicken (enough to feed me for the next two days!), veggies, and a bunch of DVDs. And we demolished some cakes from Canele that a friend brought round. Cheat day? More like cheat weekend.
And then I woke up this morning and lay on my bed crying silently. Why? What's wrong with me? Feel so frustrated with myself for not being able to control this.
Hence the sudden turn in direction for this blog. Perhaps recording not just good days and WODs and how great I feel after being at the box, but taking note of how I sometimes feel like crap, might help me deal with things a little better.
Goal for today. Back to Paleo. Like, seriously.
http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm
We are all humans afterall. Its not how hard we fall, its how fast we get up. Everytime I cry, I feel so damn awful but after that, I feel great. See you soon!
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